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Category Archives: Family

What I Wish I’d Said

October marks many anniversaries for me; the death of my best friend, the death of my sister’s brother-in-law, the death of the first boy who showed me around my new high school, and many others. Since 2011, it has also marked what I refer to as my own death; the time I figured out I was pregnant, the time I’d planned to kill myself on October 19th, and the time I pulled myself together as another person and lived. This month marks my anniversary of my abortion and learning to live afterward. For much of that time I spent holding the mentality, “You need to live your life because you just killed your baby.” While that mentality got me through the first year, I am not living my life because I deserve to. Because I have struggled. Because I have accomplished. Because I am here.

This last week, I spent some time at the Pennsylvania Women’s Conference to help network and share the work we do here at AbortionChat. While in line to get professional portraits done, I met a woman. She was beautiful, dark haired, and an enigma of energy. I mentioned I am a crisis counselor, and that I run AbortionChat. After making a joke about, “Well, I could certainly use your help,” we turned our backs to her friends and she told me a small part of her abortion story.

With the work we do here, it’s typical, and I find it encouraging that so many people come to us with their stories, verbally, written, tweeted. Yet, while many of those stories, like my own, continue to focus on healing and recovery, it is rare that I have to step back and realize that not everyone is recovering.

The woman in line with me confided that she had an abortion several years ago. Since that time, she gave birth to her first born who, hours later, died in her arms. She told me that she believes this is a direct result of the decision she had made so many years ago. She said her pastor or priest had also said a similar thing, and she believed it. She is a Catholic, and while she said God has forgiven her, she has yet to forgive herself.

So this post, this message is for you, the woman in line who shared her heartbreaking abortion story with me, if you come to the site. Here are all of the things I wish I could have told you:

As I told you, I also believe in God. I was also raised in the church, with a mixture of Catholicism and Pentecostal. The God I believe in, yes, can punish sinners as He sees fit. But I don’t focus on His punishment. I focus on the fact that the God I love, loves me. And He does not want me, or you, to suffer. You made a decision, a decision that is allowed by law, and allowed by the free will He granted us with when He created us. My God may not be your God, especially because as I’ve continued my journey, I’ve stepped away from organized churches that refuse to accept my decision, a decision that saved my life. But I truly believe that anyone or anything worth worshiping has a great capacity for love and forgiveness. Please, please, stop harboring the guilt and sadness inside yourself. You deserve to be happy. No matter what your pastor or priest has told you. Sometimes nature and God have other plans for our children and our lives. I am truly sorry for the loss of your child, but there is nothing in this world that you have done to cause the death.

Outside of how religion is involved. thank you for sharing your story with me. You’d mentioned that your story wasn’t one of the ones “with a good reason” I believe were your words. Here is what I took away from your story: You got pregnant. You did not want to be pregnant. You terminated the pregnancy. You don’t need to have a “good” reason, because after-all, what is a “good” reason to obtain an abortion? I’ll answer you: because you didn’t want to be pregnant, and that is OKAY. At that time, you made the decision you thought was best for you. It is okay that it might have been a wrong decision for you. It is okay that it might have been a right decision for you. There is nothing you can do to go back in time and change these things, a decision was made. Live right now. Be happy, right now. It is okay to make right and wrong decisions. You are human. We all make mistakes and choose options that sometimes are not the best for us.

You have so much more to offer this world than to be caught on one decision that you made so many years ago. You deserve to forgive yourself so that you can be a better person for yourself, for your family, and for the world. You deserve to be happy, because no one in this world deserves to be unhappy. Time is not a gift that we can take for granted. Time is finite, and we are not here long. You, right now, at this very moment, deserve happiness without judgement. You deserve peace without guilt. We all made decisions that we regret later. Don’t let it continue to eat you alive. Find a way to make peace, find a way to push through because you, a living, breathing, flawed, beautiful person, deserves all the light and happiness in the world.

And I truly, truly hope you find these things. If you would like to talk more with me, or with the AbortionChat group, please, please send us an email.

Anyone else reading this who is struggling, this message is also for you. You are loved. You are beautiful.

Men and Abortion

I have a lot of conversations with people on their feelings of abortion. Even at the ProLife rally we’d attended, there was a pamphlet asking about men and abortion. Yet, many people don’t go back and ask, “How did YOU feel when your significant other had an abortion?”

I think this is an important piece of the story. Where was your partner? How did he react to the pregnancy? For many men, they become just as shaken up as their partner who is pregnant.

I’ve met men who called their girlfriend a murderer after she’d had an abortion. I’ve met men who held their girlfriend’s hand in the waiting room and escorted them out. I’ve known men who’ve bailed on their partner. I’ve known men who supported the pregnancy and are now proud fathers. I’ve also known men who find out in the aftermath that their significant other was pregnant and sought an abortion. His response? “I wasn’t mad or upset that she’d had an abortion. I was upset by the fact that I wasn’t involved. I wasn’t allowed to support her. I wasn’t involved in the decision. I would have wanted to be.” This happened to this man not once, but twice.

Here at AbortionChat, we encourage healthy conversations. We encourage having a Pregnancy Plan and being prepared for if your test turns positive. We also encourage you to sit down with your partner and ask, “What are WE doing to do if WE get pregnant?”

After you do that, let us know. We want to share your story here.

I’ve Never Told Anyone by Angie Boudreau

The following blog post is a mix of emails AbortionChat received and was given permission to share from Ms. Angie Boudreau. Until now, she has never shared her story with anyone. The reason she told AbortionChat we could share? 
I am willing to share my story if it would help even just one person.”

So thank you, Angie, for sharing this personal story with us and with the other members of the AbortionChat community. This is her story in her own words: 


Thank you for taking the time to read this. I have no idea where to start. Until last year I never told anyone about the abuse I endured as a child and into my teen years. I finally decided to seek therapy, and have shared a lot with her over the past year, but not about my abortion. Why? It’s not shame, or guilt, or even anger. I can’t explain what it is. Thinking about it is something I have tried to avoid as much as possible. For years I had refused to let myself believe I actually went through it to begin with.

See when I was 15 I was attacked by 4 older guys. I knew one of them as a friend’s older brother. The other 3 guys wore ski masks and I don’t think I knew them. Honestly there isn’t much I remember. However I do remember the moment I woke up naked, bruised head to toe, and with an ache I just can’t put into words. I was alone. I think I must have passed out a few times because by the time I managed to move, and get myself dressed.. it was night. I called my Grandfather (my Parents were out of town for the weekend looking at houses). My Grandfather came to pick me up, and took me to the hospital. I had a bad concussion, broken collarbone, and multiple fractures in my face. The ride to the hospital seemed very long, and we didn’t say a word. My Grandfather is a very quiet man. He never did ask questions as to what had happened.

At the hospital they checked me out, and said I had to stay for observation. A very friendly nurse with bright red hair came into my room. I remember her so well. I believe she was a nurse, and not a doctor. My memories are very broken as to the events that day. I do remember how soft spoken she was. She was trying to get me to talk about what had happened. I would only tell them I fell down the stairs. I always stuck with that story. Up until this point in my life I had always been abused by a Great Aunt and Uncle. They threatened me, and I felt like it was something I deserved, and to me it was normal. I didn’t know anything else. After 2 days in the hospital they sent me home. I stayed with my Grandparents for a couple of weeks. That wasn’t out of the norm. I stayed with them quite a bit. I was very close with my Grandmother.

Some time passed, and I wasn’t feeling so great. I was always sleeping, and always sick it seemed. My Grandparents took such good care of me. They didn’t give me a hard time about missing school, and they didn’t pressure me to go back home. Although they never said anything I have a feeling they knew things weren’t the best at home. It wasn’t long before my Grandmother figured I was pregnant. She didn’t even tell me at the time. She told one of her brother’s. Then one day he picked me up, and took me to the doctor’s. Everything had been arranged for me by my Grandmother. Once they talked to me and I found out what was happening I freaked. I tried to leave, and I tried to talk to them. They wouldn’t listen to anything I had to say. I had already drank a glass of water when I first arrived there (it was a very hot day out). Something must have been in that glass because it didn’t take long for me to start feeling very weak, and I just wanted to lie down. I felt as though I couldn’t move or talk. I felt like I was screaming inside, but nobody could hear me. I woke up sometime after and eventually my Uncle took my back to my Grandparents. It was never discussed. I never mentioned it to my Grandparents.

Then when my Grandmother became ill a few years later she had written me a letter explaining why she did what she did. She didn’t want my life to be ruined. She said nothing good could have come out of bringing a child into this world under such circumstances. She apologized as well.

To this day the only regret I have is having that abortion. I am now unable to have children due to scaring, and complications from the abortion. Then again I can’t get close to men so I probably wouldn’t be able to have kids anyway.

I am not against abortion! please don’t misunderstand. I am for women’s rights. Everyone is different, and every situation is different. Women should have a choice what to do with their body. It is HER body after all. Even though I wish I had gotten to keep the baby (I ache for a baby), I know at the time it was the right decision made for me.

I apologize this turned out to be so long. I don’t know where it all came from. If you are still reading… thank you for listening, and giving me an outlet to get this out.
Angie grew up in a small town in Eastern Canada. She was an only child with 2 very busy parents who she rarely saw. She lived there until the end of Grade 9. That’s when everything fell apart for her. Eventually she moved to Toronto, and have been there ever since. She am now 37, still single, have a few really great friends, she is happy with her job, and does a lot of volunteer work for numerous organizations. That was until this past year when memories became triggered, and the nightmare started all over again.

If you’re reading this and have any questions for Angie, she can be reached through AbortionChat’s email (abortionchat at gmail dot com) or through her twitter account: @TherapyAfterCSA